With a marathon, a couple of dualthlons, an Ironman and a football season ahead, my body has decided to start putting up it’s defences in advance. The final challenge this year has been the intriguing lump I’ve grown in the last month or so. I’m sure people won’t like talking about it but I discovered a lump where I shouldn’t have a lump. I’ll admit I’m not a big fan of having my man weights fiddled with by strangers but it would appear that I either have the face of a man who enjoys it, or the whole world is in on the joke.


Various doctors over the years have had a feel, usually when I’ve gone in with toothache or an ingrowing toenail, but this is the second visit I’ve experienced where it’s a pre-ordained ‘drop em’ visit.


Shorter and curlier with a hint of Timotei

A shower before the visit, some scrubbing and trimming to make sure I made the most of my appearance and then a 20 minute wait on plastic chairs in the waiting room. I must have looked like I had a bad case of hemorrhoids as I danced around on the chair determined to not make my first impression one of a sweaty gusseted old man who clearly had nutella for breakfast.

After an initial fondle and wink the doc sent me on my way with antibiotics and a ‘I’m sure it’ll be fine‘ smile and told me to come back after Christmas. His summary that ‘because it hurts it’s probably not serious‘ wasn’t the most scientific diagnosis I’ve had, but frankly when another man is knelt in front of you cupping your balls I’d have believed him if he told me I’d grown a vagina.  His medical efficiency left two conclusions;

  1. There’s nothing to worry about and the doctor knows what he’s doing or;
  2. It’s bad news, but bugger off and have a good last Christmas

Pills finished after 2 weeks, along with decent bottle of bourbon and a few beers, I booked our follow up.

Second Base

For our second date he already had his gloves on when I went in. There wasn’t any soft lighting or Sade playing, so I’m assuming that comes when we get to third base. He remains unconcerned and says it’s either a small inflammation on one of the tubes or much more excitingly appendicitis of the teste.

Here’s a lifesize scan of my balls

I have an ultrasound to confirm which I’ll book this week. All I know is if I have to have anything done I’ll get a couple of extra inches added and a pair of tennis balls as replacements. New Balls Please.


Doctor, I can clearly see your nuts 

There are 2 reasons I’ve written this;

  1. So everyone, including my long suffering better half knows what I’m thinking, it’s easier to write than talk!
  2. So that any fellas reading this go and have a feel. If you find anything other than a lazy lob on, it’s highly likely it’s nothing to worry about, but go and get checked out. The doctor has lovely soft hands.