Fleet Spurs Vets (5) vs Michelmersh (3) – Vets Cup

There are some things in this world that aren’t worth trying to understand. The old adage that bumblebees shouldn’t be able to fly. The nature of quantum pairing meaning that manipulating one of a quantum entangled pair will impact the alternate particle no matter what the distance between is. Then there is the stuff that is just not explainable. Hopefully this weeks match report will help enlighten us to some of the latter.

A Vets Cup match this week which brings 2 challenges. The opposition could be a bunch of ex-pros and secondly all players need to be over 35. Given a handful of injuries it was time to pull out the stops to get a team together. Unfortunately the stops stayed stopped and we ended up with a rag-tag bunch of has-beens all raring to stop and take a breather.

We started brightly enough, a gentle warm up from the perennially not really injured Jeffsy proving that having a handlebar moustache will provide Wolverine like healing abilities. After some early jousting we broke through and scored, finishing the game at 5-3, a win and much confusion, only exaserpated by the mysteries it threw up.

Mystery File #01 – The Running Man (1-0): UNSOLVED

Colin took a long enough breath to stop moaning for thirty seconds and took control of the ball just inside our own half. Listening carefully to the shouts for the lay off he turned and ran in the opposite direction. To their eternal credit the oppo stifled their laughter as the Basingstoke Bully put his head down and accelerated up to a brisk jog. They parted like Burkey’s haircut and he ran uncontested the length of the half before slotting home. In his wake a gaggle of disbelieving footballers who had all tried to catch Velocity Vickery but all failed when their zimmers and replacement hips and protested. How did Colin run that distance?

Adventures in genetics and how to score goals
Adventures in genetics and how to score goals

Mystery File #02 – Genetic Mix Up (2-0): SOLVED

Allaway broke through and did his now standard low center wobble before unleashing something I’ve never seen. A pass. A pass to a player in a better position. A pass to a player who duly went to the byline and scored. This one isn’t so hard to solve, the recipient of the pass was the other Allaway brother. The nearly fully grown one. Is this quantum mechanics and telepathic influence? I think so.

Mystery File #03 – Short term memory loss (2-1 & 3-2): UNSOLVED

How week after week we scream at each other to mark at corners and every week we concede from a scrabbled or ignored corner. This week was no different. 2 goals conceded from a lack of marking and the mystery is, this never happened last year, has someone wiped our collective memories on how to mark?

Mystery File #04 – The Anti Tackle (5-3): UNSOLVED

The younger Fleuty broke through and chased down a through ball. He looked odds on to catch it but inexplicably put the brakes on to allow the keeper to gather in the loose ball. The keeper in confusion then slowed allowing Fleuty back in to nick the ball. Was there a temporary ‘slow field’. Does Nick possess telekinetic powers that mean he doesn’t have to tackle?

Completing the outing, Scott Allaway scored a beautiful solo goal, breaking down the left, cutting in, beating all and sundry before tapping home. He could have passed but firstly he’s an Allaway and secondly and more amazingly for an Allaway nobody else on the pitch could keep up. Colin scored two penalties, the first attempt crossed off for infringement.


The Earl of Rochester Grove closing the match with ‘You chaps get the nets, I’ll get the gazebo’ whilst replacing his monocle and tipping his tifter at the passing crowd.

Pete, for not playing and spending 20 minutes trying to refold his kids goals

Majestic Matty Burke gets a solid shout for being nutmegged, moreso for having his son be the one to nominate him. John for getting the kick off times wrong and still being early.

Colin bags it with two glorious bits of play. Juggling the ball for 3 or 4 keep ups before being tackled but more significantly trotting off at half time to celebrate his goal. Alone. In the changing room. For 20 minutes. And missing the start of the second half. An easy award as he should also get MoM to cancel it out.


Richard ‘Dowager’ Etherington-Smith
Matt ‘Puff the Magic’ Burke
Nick ‘Puff Daddy’ Fleuty (1)
James ‘Puffection’ Dyson
Colin ‘Puffed in his Pants’ Vickery (2)
Byron ‘Puff of smoke’ Friel
Phil ‘Sugar Puff’ Taw
Mark ‘HufflePuff’ Lambert
John ‘Puffin’ Jollow
David ‘Puffed Out’ Jeffs
Mark ‘Puff Ball’ Holgate
Roy ‘Puff’ Allaway (1 assist)
Paul ‘Puffer Jacket’ Filkins
Scott ‘Puff Adder-better game than his brother’ Allaway (2)